Hospital Homorists Gifts

"Congratulations! It's a pain in the ass."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

Dancing Doctor

Dracula in a Vampire Hospital getting some extra blood from a Human blood drip

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

Robodoc... the NHS surgeon of the future.

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

The operation was going extremely well, but then very unexpectedly, he got trampled.

"WHich one is mine?"

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

"Unfortunately, there's no cure—there's not even a race for a cure."

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

Woman in hospital has i.v. attached to plant.

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

"Sorry, that's not my table."

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

Downloading Pregnancy

Kid with plaster cast being sawn off.

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'Wow! That was quite some push Mrs Smith...'

An organ flies across the room during an operation - 'Catch it...!'

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'