Hospital Hall Monitor Gifts

No caption. (Man wearing a cast is in traction. He imagines sheep lining up to jump fence. Sheep also wear casts.)

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

Barbeque Casualty.

Virtual Doctor

'Sorry, staff shortage.'

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

'Long shift?'

"We'll have someone to help you as soon as we've recruited and trained them. Shouldn't be more than 5 or 6 years!"

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

'You can tell your grandkids, you rode the most expensive vehicle on Earth!'

Doctors Discussion

'Whatever it is, you've got it bad and that ain't good.'

"I don't know how to tell you this, but it looks like you have a brain the size of a walnut."

Hospital.

"She's in room 334 but she's only allowed to see people who haven't annoyed her for 15 years."

NHS targets.

NHS recruitment.

'It's a brand new state-of-the-art waiting room.'

Minister rubbishes private sector hospital initiative.

Hell's Angels

'The hospital needs to cut its drug budget...Mrs Miggins will be seeing what she can do for the Oncology department with hot twigs and frogspawn...'

If Supermarkets were run like the NHS: I'd like a million pounds worth of shampoo, which I may not bother to collect if Eastenders is on.

Wards / Mortuary

It would be so great if, just once, someone didn't waltz in here complaining about something. Emergency.

"It's our latest targets...We have to do twice as much with half the stuff in a quarter of the time!"

Stress on GPs

'The doctors ruled out a remarkable recovery. You'll get better, they just don't think it'll be all that remarkable.'

'The trouble with you doctors is that you don't really understand what the NHS is for.'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'

"Well done Carson! This could be the answer to our bed shortage problems!"

NHS Trust Hospital: Management Team/Medical Staff

'We'll have a bed for you in a couple of days.'

"Well, I'll be - he cut and ran."

DOH should create a simple prevalence formula that works.