Hall Monitor Gifts

"You shouldn't be in the hall, Sam. You aren't free range 'til three fifteen."

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

'It's nothing serious. Rest is the best cure for binge shopping.'

'Beware of falling Humpty Dumpties.'

"But I wasn't running in the hall."

"Darren Eggleston. I saw that!"

Stop Staring at Me!

'Excuuuse me! Please don't touch my Father!'

'Is there something you're not telling me, Doctor?'

"Well, my fitness band told my doctor how lazy I've been since my last visit. How do I turn on privacy on this thing?!!!"

"I'm going to take your blood pressure, so try to relax and not think about what a high reading might mean for your chances of living a long, healthy life."

"Well sorry doc, but that's not the reading I get from my digital wrist heart monitor."

Teacher's Lounge

'His insurance company said it does not cover self-inflicted accidents.'

"The custodian's job is 10 percent janitorial and 90 percent as my bodyguard."

'It has my horoscope, heart rate and cholesterol level...but I'm sorry, I don't have the time.'

'These new electronic tags are fantastic, they really make it possible for managers to keep track.'

"Teachers are lucky, they don't have to do homework."

This week, House Manager Blowviatt has been asked to avoid the appearance of playing to the cameras.

"I feel fine but according to my new watch I might be dead!"

'Just as I suspected - cheating on our diet!'

Injured man sees that he is being taken to the 'No Biggie Room', as opposed to the 'Emergency Room.

'This little gadget monitors my blood pressure, my pulse, and the performance of my very sleek designer running shoes.'

Rumor Control Center: Chicken Little.

"The price is up again? I hadn't noticed."

'He can sit there and watch his heart rate monitor for hours.'

"Don't take time to smell the flowers anymore. The tests show you're allergic to them."

'A health report today warned skeptics, who take everything with a grain of salt, could result in abnormal hypertension. . .'

Debbie attaches her husband to a proprietary dream monitor to make sure he doesn't cheat on her in his sleep.

"I'll make you a very generous offer for this one..."

"Our gas bill's been levelled up."

"Sorry, this is the Department of Wrong Places. You want the Bureau of Missed Appointments way-y-y-y-y-y-y down the hall."

"There are two types of cholesterol - the good type, then the one you've got."