Homeowner Detective Gifts

'I don't think there's much we can do about it - he's on the planning committee.'

"Our light bill is astronomical living next to a black hole."

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

'I found the termites!'

Fuel bill gone through the roof

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

The Big Book of Suspicious Crawl Spaces

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

"You're sure it was a Northern Bobwhite?"

"Oh it's not haunted, it's just really old and nothing works."

'The roof needs icing.'

"Homes on Holmes"

Cutaway view of house undergoing renovation

'For Sale by Neighbor'

It's a good thing our neighbors don't know what weirdos we are.

"Let me call you back, Lori. I'm binge-watching John clean the gutters."

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

"Yes, Madame, Teletubbies."

"It's not so much a fixer upper as a tear it downer."

"What do you mean you wouldn't sweat the water in the basement."

'We're waiting for an estimate that doesn't make him do that.'

"The pH level seems a little off."

Gypsy curses didn't seem so threatening after the Mummy went into the peg business.

'The Hunt family have solved the problem of the fire ants.'

"You've got a real fungus problem. You'll have to move out until it's taken care of."

"Well, we could just tell everyone we have an indoor pool!"

'Keep your feet on the joists, Cedric.'

Those missing socks...where do they go?

Darlene, my intelligence tells me that your fiance is a slob. What intelligence, Rudy? Surveillance photos – dirty clothes and towels thrown on the floor. Dishes piled up in the sink. That's my Mel? How did you get those? Top-flight government spy methods. House of Java.net Cybercafe.

"To be honest, I'd be stupid not to take advantage of the market."

How's this mulch for improving my soil? Not good. It's full of toxic wood chips. They poison the dirt and don't decompose. Just what I need. Subprime loam.

"I now recognize the basement was a bad idea."

'Hey! By appointment only!!'

The builder had said there would be some settling after the house was finished, so really the home owners shouldn't complain.