Home Investigator Gifts

Honey, if the government won't contact-trace Kimberley's pool parties, I will simply do it myself."

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

"I can't decide if we're good people who are bad at communicating, or monsters who communicate perfectly."

'I found the termites!'

Fuel bill gone through the roof

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

"Oh it's not haunted, it's just really old and nothing works."

The Hammer

The Big Book of Suspicious Crawl Spaces

'The roof needs icing.'

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

"Homes on Holmes"

Cutaway view of house undergoing renovation

"What do you mean you wouldn't sweat the water in the basement."

"Yes, Madame, Teletubbies."

'We're waiting for an estimate that doesn't make him do that.'

"Let me call you back, Lori. I'm binge-watching John clean the gutters."

"It's not so much a fixer upper as a tear it downer."

It's a good thing our neighbors don't know what weirdos we are.

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

'Another sad case of an over dose on uncut sugar cereal.'

"You've got a real fungus problem. You'll have to move out until it's taken care of."

Those missing socks...where do they go?

'Keep your feet on the joists, Cedric.'

"Well, we could just tell everyone we have an indoor pool!"

Darlene, my intelligence tells me that your fiance is a slob. What intelligence, Rudy? Surveillance photos – dirty clothes and towels thrown on the floor. Dishes piled up in the sink. That's my Mel? How did you get those? Top-flight government spy methods. House of Java.net Cybercafe.

The builder had said there would be some settling after the house was finished, so really the home owners shouldn't complain.

'Well, you always said you wanted a water feature for the garden.'

"I now recognize the basement was a bad idea."

"Central heat. Pretty posh."

Fred began to understand why this kit house was so cheap.

Santa hosing the Chimney.

House for sale, appliances included (in the yard).