Home Investigator T-Shirts

Honey, if the government won't contact-trace Kimberley's pool parties, I will simply do it myself."

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"I can't decide if we're good people who are bad at communicating, or monsters who communicate perfectly."

'I found the termites!'

Fuel bill gone through the roof

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

The Hammer

"Oh it's not haunted, it's just really old and nothing works."

The Big Book of Suspicious Crawl Spaces

'The roof needs icing.'

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

"Homes on Holmes"

Cutaway view of house undergoing renovation

"It's not so much a fixer upper as a tear it downer."

'Another sad case of an over dose on uncut sugar cereal.'

It's a good thing our neighbors don't know what weirdos we are.

"Yes, Madame, Teletubbies."

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

'We're waiting for an estimate that doesn't make him do that.'

"Let me call you back, Lori. I'm binge-watching John clean the gutters."

"You've got a real fungus problem. You'll have to move out until it's taken care of."

Those missing socks...where do they go?

"Well, we could just tell everyone we have an indoor pool!"

'Keep your feet on the joists, Cedric.'

"I now recognize the basement was a bad idea."

The builder had said there would be some settling after the house was finished, so really the home owners shouldn't complain.

'Well, you always said you wanted a water feature for the garden.'

Fred began to understand why this kit house was so cheap.

Santa hosing the Chimney.

'I see you have been mopping the floor while I was out. Are you doing this to be nice or disposing of evidence?'

House for sale, appliances included (in the yard).