Home Hazard Investigator T-Shirts

'It's a beautiful home with the exception of a little radon gas."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

'I found the termites!'

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

Fuel bill gone through the roof

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

"Oh it's not haunted, it's just really old and nothing works."

The Big Book of Suspicious Crawl Spaces

'It's good to see that you have a smoke detector...'

'The roof needs icing.'

Cutaway view of house undergoing renovation

"Homes on Holmes"

"What do you mean you wouldn't sweat the water in the basement."

"Let me call you back, Lori. I'm binge-watching John clean the gutters."

"Yes, Madame, Teletubbies."

"It's not so much a fixer upper as a tear it downer."

'We're waiting for an estimate that doesn't make him do that.'

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

"You've got a real fungus problem. You'll have to move out until it's taken care of."

'Keep your feet on the joists, Cedric.'

"Well, we could just tell everyone we have an indoor pool!"

'Throw it out. . . we never use it, unless you can think of someone that might need it.'

"Peter quickly learns the limitations of his new hamster ball."

"We've completely child-proofed our home."

"Okay, what's your next, more expensive security system?"

The builder had said there would be some settling after the house was finished, so really the home owners shouldn't complain.

"I now recognize the basement was a bad idea."

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

"Central heat. Pretty posh."

Man carrying crates of eggs about to step on sleeping dog.

Santa hosing the Chimney.

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

House for sale, appliances included (in the yard).