House Detective T-Shirts

'That must be the termite inspector.'

'We may find that there are hidden service charges with this place ...'

House detective.

$1: Family Secrets

"...We've traced your lineage all the way back to a 15th-century East European Count."

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

"Let me call you back, Lori. I'm binge-watching John clean the gutters."

Those missing socks...where do they go?

'I see you have been mopping the floor while I was out. Are you doing this to be nice or disposing of evidence?'

'There's something wrong with the slow cooker. I check it every minute but nothing's cooking!'

"You know something doc, he weirdly kind of resembles you."

"There's food in the fridge, and clues about the state of our marriage all around the house."

"You're closer. You get it."

'Curiosity'

"The back of the house? Didn't I already show you that?"

'In another universe parallel to our own.'

"This is probably how they keep getting in."

"I can smell his fear of commitment."

Bad Dog!

Snail Peephole

'We haven't had much luck finding your ancestors. But we did manage to trace that suit you're wearing all the way back to the early 80's.'

'Oooh the Timpsons have got new blinds.' (Blinds read 'Sod off you nosy cow).

'I see you have been mopping the floor while I was out. Are you doing this to be nice or disposing of evidence?' 'Why can't it be both?'

GENEALOGY - FAMILY TREE RESEARCH, 'Whoa! -- John Wilkes Booth AND Benedict Arnold?'

"Well, you did say that you were looking for a detached property."

"These older homes are tricky. You never know what kind of pipes you'll find."

'What choice do we have? She knows too much.'

"Hang on - I thought you said it was a listed building..!!"

Bob spent years tracking down his birth parents only to discover the awful truth. They lied. He had never been adopted.

Homeless elderly parents - 'Isn't it nice that our kids are finally on the property ladder?'

Police Cooking.

"I hope you have a good explanation."