Domestic Detective Gifts

'In another universe parallel to our own.'

"We can't be out of mustard. I'm showing two bottles in the panty, top shelf, on the left"

Those missing socks...where do they go?

'Ethel, these socks are all matching pairs - there's something suspicious going on.'

"You can't fool me, Norman. The television is still warm."

"I think he must have a fancy woman - someone has been darning his socks."

The mysteries of man-land.

"I can't find my briefcase anywhere - you said it was in the bedroom - where in the bedroom?"

"We finally caught the person who's been cloning you credit cards sir...Turns out it's your wife."

Marriage helper.

"There's food in the fridge, and clues about the state of our marriage all around the house."

"Come on, you're the store detective, is my husband having an affair with the checkout girl or not?"

"I hope you have a good explanation."

'We're the victims of a dawn raid - someone's stolen the milk!'

"I can smell his fear of commitment."

"Mister Mulvaney threatened to write about me in his next dirty book, and my big iron skillet went off by accident."

"Did you call someone to come test for margarine residue in the refrigerator?"

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

$1: Family Secrets

We have a problem with your research. We're Encyclopedia Britannica and you're Wikipedia.

"Sorry? I wasn't listening."

"Let me call you back, Lori. I'm binge-watching John clean the gutters."

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

It's a good thing our neighbors don't know what weirdos we are.

Micro and Macro Department,

Don't forget to read the small print.

"Your curriculum vitae is extremely detailed, isn't it? I don't quite know what to make of the fact that your third-grade teacher, Miss Hartley, made you stand in the corner for throwing an eraser although another kid did it."

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

Devil in the detail

"I just audited our books. Your register came up five cents short, Rudy."

'There's something wrong with the slow cooker. I check it every minute but nothing's cooking!'

Violence on TV.

"Their entire planet is coated in things called doodads, tchotchkes, trinkets, knick-knacks, bric-a-brac, and clutter."

"You know something doc, he weirdly kind of resembles you."

'So now you sniff out drugs. That's it, no more TV cop shows.'