Domestic Dialogue Detectives Gifts

"Sorry? I wasn't listening."

"I can't decide if we're good people who are bad at communicating, or monsters who communicate perfectly."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

Man with 'Real Ale' written on t-shirt, woman with 'Real Pine' written on rolling pin

"Maybe the unseen hand of the market will change the diaper."

Always Compatible

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'He has his pet and I have mine.'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

Those missing socks...where do they go?

'...and when I did finally take out the trash, she locked the door behind me.'

The Tangents talk it over.

'I didn't even know she was angry until she started shooting.'

"Did you say something? I thought I heard a sound bite."

"Richard has quite an ear for dialogue."

"There's food in the fridge, and clues about the state of our marriage all around the house."

"The nomenclature of 'political correctness' is devisive and opens the profession to ridicule!"

'I'll tell you what mister - I'll lose ten pounds and stop nagging, the same day you act your age, cleanup after yourself, cook your own food and get a brain in that fat head.'

'In another universe parallel to our own.'

'Shall I fry it or flush it?'

"So is there anything apart from us stopping being 'a bunch of cynical dishonest lying hypocrites' that would help us secure your vote?"

"Welcome to tonight's panel on interfaith humour."

"Have we got time for a quick argument before our programme starts..?"

"My wife's a magician . . . she can turn anything into an argument."

"I can smell his fear of commitment."

Going Shopping Together.

'I see you have been mopping the floor while I was out. Are you doing this to be nice or disposing of evidence?' 'Why can't it be both?'

'...and don't you dare turn the volume up at me!'

"You killed it, you clean it."

"Dad what's Brexit?"

"Surely I'm allowed an opinion!"

'Are you sure Mr, Winslow will greet us with an open wallet'

"They were, sitting around the dinner table, knocking off a bottle of Côtes-du-Rhône and blathering about the Middle East – you've never heard such shallow, simplistic reasoning in your life – and one of them turns to me and says, "And what do you think, Barney? What do you think we should do?' and all I could come up with was 'Woof'. I felt like such an ass."