Domestic Dialogue Detectives Pillows

"Sorry? I wasn't listening."

"I can't decide if we're good people who are bad at communicating, or monsters who communicate perfectly."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

Man with 'Real Ale' written on t-shirt, woman with 'Real Pine' written on rolling pin

"Maybe the unseen hand of the market will change the diaper."

Always Compatible

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

'He has his pet and I have mine.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

Those missing socks...where do they go?

Darlene, my intelligence tells me that your fiance is a slob. What intelligence, Rudy? Surveillance photos – dirty clothes and towels thrown on the floor. Dishes piled up in the sink. That's my Mel? How did you get those? Top-flight government spy methods. House of Java.net Cybercafe.

The Tangents talk it over.

'...and when I did finally take out the trash, she locked the door behind me.'

'I didn't even know she was angry until she started shooting.'

"The nomenclature of 'political correctness' is devisive and opens the profession to ridicule!"

"Richard has quite an ear for dialogue."

"Did you say something? I thought I heard a sound bite."

"I investigated your husband, Mrs Adams. He isn't cheating on you. In fact, I'm your husband. We've just really lost touch recently."

'I'll tell you what mister - I'll lose ten pounds and stop nagging, the same day you act your age, cleanup after yourself, cook your own food and get a brain in that fat head.'

"There's food in the fridge, and clues about the state of our marriage all around the house."

'In another universe parallel to our own.'

'Shall I fry it or flush it?'

"So is there anything apart from us stopping being 'a bunch of cynical dishonest lying hypocrites' that would help us secure your vote?"

Going Shopping Together.

"Welcome to tonight's panel on interfaith humour."

"Have we got time for a quick argument before our programme starts..?"

Contest time. Mort and Sadie, our ornery octogenarians, have decided to rename Rudy's generation. Mort favors Generation I - for impatient. Sadie prefers Generation V - for virtual. Or vapid! What do you think? Please send your own ideas to asksadieshow@gmail.com. C'mon people, get thinkin'!

"My wife's a magician . . . she can turn anything into an argument."

"I can smell his fear of commitment."

'I see you have been mopping the floor while I was out. Are you doing this to be nice or disposing of evidence?' 'Why can't it be both?'

'Are you sure Mr, Winslow will greet us with an open wallet'

"Surely I'm allowed an opinion!"

"You killed it, you clean it."

"Dad what's Brexit?"

'...and don't you dare turn the volume up at me!'