Domestic Dialogue Expert Pillows

"My wife's a magician . . . she can turn anything into an argument."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

Meet the Enemy

"Maybe the unseen hand of the market will change the diaper."

Always Compatible

"Sorry? I wasn't listening."

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone that does yard work."

"Hitler Stalin pact in the Arabian jackal desert"

'...and when I did finally take out the trash, she locked the door behind me.'

"What happened to what cat?"

'Well, if you insist on using logic I see little point in continuing this argument.'

'I didn't even know she was angry until she started shooting.'

'I'll tell you what mister - I'll lose ten pounds and stop nagging, the same day you act your age, cleanup after yourself, cook your own food and get a brain in that fat head.'

"The nomenclature of 'political correctness' is devisive and opens the profession to ridicule!"

The Manager's Wife.

"Did you say something? I thought I heard a sound bite."

'Shall I fry it or flush it?'

Going Shopping Together.

"Have we got time for a quick argument before our programme starts..?"

'You're in my light!'

Secret Family Recipe for Disaster.

'You KNOW I'm not ready to be tied down with marriage! Hey...is my laundry done yet, and what's for dinner?'

'...and don't you dare turn the volume up at me!'

"Surely I'm allowed an opinion!"

"The participants of the following programme 'politicians in dialogue' will be presented by pestile food. . . ."

"...I do, providing he washes dishes...irons...hoovers...dusts and polishes..."

Food Wars: "Thrilla in Peekskilla"

"The willful suspension of logic and reason...that's the problem with the world today!"

'Andy, you can be honest with me. Do you think I'd make a good manager?' - 'Why couldn't she just ask me if I like her hairstyle.'

"Your bible says disobedient children should be stoned to death. Won't you agree that capital punishment is an improper parenting technique?"

Man umpires a fight with his wife.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

"We also argue about which way the toilet paper roll should hang."