Homeowner Gifts

'For Sale by Neighbor'

'The owners like big Christmas trees.'

"The big shell is nice, but the property taxes are a killer."

'Good evening sir,I'm doing a survey on home security.'

'This place is so bright and airy compared to the cave I live in now!'

Beware of the Dog

'Sorry, but I have to evict you! I just sold your birdhouse for $ 100.000!'

'The good news is it's not mice.'

Jack was aghast when he realized his homeowner's association prohibited any plant removal.

'It comes in handy at high tide'

"...and I can assure you that our price increases will be more competitive than those of other providers."

'What do you mean, you forgot about the coalmining search?'

"Hello, I'd like to buy flood insurance."

'Kids?' - 'Mortgage owner.'

'Now that it's March, it's safe to put the snow shovels away, right?'

'We'll give it a month till the insurance money allows them to replace this lot, then come back again. . .'

'I think we can safely eliminate bungalows from the search parameter.'

'It has to have big living room, he has a sixty inch rock.'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

"So tell me, did you install gold, silver or platinum water pipes?"

I hurt my back and then a pipe broke flooding my house

"Officer! Que esta pasando aqui?"

"But you sais if we'd appease them with a little more food, they'd go away."

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

"To be honest, I'd be stupid not to take advantage of the market."

"Best defense against vicious dogs I know."

After dinner conversation since property prices stagnated

Woman discovers a broken egg underneath the cuckoo clock.

"Our light bill is astronomical living next to a black hole."

"Moat? No - sump pump crapped out."

Lincoln Logs, Lincoln Leaves, Lincoln Gutters

'Hey! By appointment only!!'

"People who live in glass houses are rare."

'I've been trying to buy a condo in Vancouver! They say that real estate prices are going through the roof! At least that's how my agent explained the hole in the ceiling.'

'This might help in the meantime until we can fit you in.'