Home-shopping Critic Gifts

The Bob Dole Home-Shopping Network

Woman in bed with catalogue of worries.

'Sorry, but we're going out for dinner.'

GM Foods.

'Oh good, it looks like the few things I ordered from the catalogue have arrived.'

'What terrible pre-Christmas gift catalogue have you got hold of now?'

If you don't see what you want, we don't serve your kind here.

"Ask not for whom the refrigerator hums..."

"Let's explore why you detest my throw pillows."

Gregor Samsa III, who doesn't go out much, calls in a large order to the shopping channel.

Foreclosure.

Man in carriage waiting for shopping wife

"I cant stand all this modern housing."

"Our real estate agent is earning his commission since the house sold before he even had put the FOR SALE sign up."

'You know I don't like saltboxes!'

'All I know is I walked into a Bed, Bath and Beyond place.'

Dial-A-Shrine

Buyables. Disposables.

"I'm not investing a penny into the high street!"

"They'd better be some damn fine oboes."

"I like looking at amateur porn, because I like seeing other people's apartments."

"I remember when walls weren't so bossy."

Watching shopping channel - "Why do you always drag me along when you go shopping?"

"And my lawyer says we have a hell of a case against La-Z-Boy."

We know everything you buy, where you buy it, and how often you buy it. We canceled your credit card because, frankly, you bore us.

"The carpet salesperson was right, a darker colour will hide all manner of sins."

Mail order.

'We've gone way over our credit limit...I want a v-chip to block the home shopping channel!'

Valu-Mart Price Scanner: Piece of Junk.

"I idolised him, then I saw his kitchen!"

"I must say I liked the clouds much better than the new indoor-outdoor carpet."

'Another 10 slice toaster? Great. And what happens if you don't make any friends?'

'I forgot to warn you they got wicker chairs.'