Home-shopping Critic Gifts

The Bob Dole Home-Shopping Network

Woman in bed with catalogue of worries.

'Sorry, but we're going out for dinner.'

GM Foods.

If you don't see what you want, we don't serve your kind here.

"I take it this is why it's called Brickview Estates."

'Oh good, it looks like the few things I ordered from the catalogue have arrived.'

'What terrible pre-Christmas gift catalogue have you got hold of now?'

"Ask not for whom the refrigerator hums..."

Foreclosure.

Man in carriage waiting for shopping wife

"Let's explore why you detest my throw pillows."

Gregor Samsa III, who doesn't go out much, calls in a large order to the shopping channel.

"I cant stand all this modern housing."

"Our real estate agent is earning his commission since the house sold before he even had put the FOR SALE sign up."

'You know I don't like saltboxes!'

'All I know is I walked into a Bed, Bath and Beyond place.'

"I remember when walls weren't so bossy."

"I like looking at amateur porn, because I like seeing other people's apartments."

"I'm not investing a penny into the high street!"

Dial-A-Shrine

"They'd better be some damn fine oboes."

Buyables. Disposables.

Watching shopping channel - "Why do you always drag me along when you go shopping?"

We know everything you buy, where you buy it, and how often you buy it. We canceled your credit card because, frankly, you bore us.

"The carpet salesperson was right, a darker colour will hide all manner of sins."

'I got it from one of those home shopping shows. You're guaranteed to burn twice as many calories as your meal contains.'

Laurel, would it be okay if I brought up a topic of conversation? Anything. I noticed some green stuff in your bathroom – I think it's mold. It happens. It's been weeks since you washed your dishes, and months for sheets and towels. And? There's a huge rodent on your head. It can eat the mold.

"And my lawyer says we have a hell of a case against La-Z-Boy."

Mail order.

"I idolised him, then I saw his kitchen!"

Valu-Mart Price Scanner: Piece of Junk.

"Dios mio! That couch is toooo soft!"

'I forgot to warn you they got wicker chairs.'

'We've gone way over our credit limit...I want a v-chip to block the home shopping channel!'