Home Safety Buff T-Shirts

"Call it excessive if you like, but none of our guests have ever pinched anything..."

'Good evening sir,I'm doing a survey on home security.'

"Knock! Knock! Who's there? What, seriously? You mean you haven't installed personal security cameras?"

'What's wrong with our new shed? Nothing - I'm sat out here guarding it.'

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

'It's good to see that you have a smoke detector...'

'And in local news: Someone is hiding behind the drapes.'

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

"Do screen doors just keep insects out, or other things too?"

"We've completely child-proofed our home."

'Throw it out. . . we never use it, unless you can think of someone that might need it.'

"Peter quickly learns the limitations of his new hamster ball."

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

Man carrying crates of eggs about to step on sleeping dog.

Santa hosing the Chimney.

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

'New normal' family life

'I know the fire's in the kitchen, but that program just irks the hell out of me.'

"Maybe this is insignificant, what with everything going on in the world, but do we have a fire extinguisher?"

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'I hear a burglar downstairs, the poor fool.'

"Am I rusting? I think one of my sections is sinking. Oh, no! I thought I heard the gate squeak."

'Is your house baby-proofed?'

"Honey, your radon testing kit is here."

'I lost him in the house, but don't worry, a snake that big should be easy to find.'

"Did we turn off the stove?"

'I told you he was smart. He turned a potential hazard into a plaything.'

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

"Which area of the house is the most dangerous? A. Your wet bathroom, B. Your dirty kitchen, or C. Your cluttered garage?"

'Well those stair gates were a complete waste of money'

"It's all set. If your husband tries to get into the fridge after 9pm he'll receive an electrical shock

'My masters have upgraded the security system: There's a ten-digit passcode on the cat-flap now...'

'If it weren't for baseball, this whole thing could have ended much differently.'