Home Life Enthusiast Pillows

"Something I never realized, all the years you were working, is that at three o'clock on a Tuesday afternoon you're a pain in the ass."

'Retirement won't be that different from work. You'll just be reporting to me.'

“I’m stayin’ home — I want the world to know — I pro-bab-ly won’t go!”

Things you did wrong today...

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."

Reach for the Star.

"This is going to make the most amazing driftwood table."

"I didn't spark joy."

"Make yourself comfortable on my new decorative throw rocks."

'How do you like my new, deep plush carpet?'

'We've knocked out the interior walls to improve our home Wi-Fi coverage.'

'Everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other.'

A DIY disaster.

Hardware Store Tools Wrench

'Hurray for indoor plumbing!'

"My dang neck is killin' me again." "That's because you left your dang hanger in your coat. Again."

'Hi Dad. I want you to meet Mr. Hacketal, my attorney.'

"Twenty five years... I think it's time we renew our towels."

'I'm not sure which I like best - the fake fire or the fake man with brandy glass in front of it.'

"It's bold! It's moving! It's inspired! But what is it?"

"No monsters, but there's a tear in the carpeting and I see hardwood!"

"I'm so good at this!"

"Oh joy. Looks like the turkey is almost done..."

Woman has 3 towels in her restroom: 'Mine', 'Mine' and 'Mine'.

"Do we go out or do we stay home and open a can of worms?"

"The white flag means he gives up and will finally hire a professional to finish the renovation."

'Welcome to the house warming! The map points out what is furniture and what is sculpture.'

Your Home Remodel Team

"It's a miracle I was able to build this desk all by myself. I'm not so handy."

"Hedge-fund managers have to have something over their sofas, too."

'If your boss is so dumb, daddy, why did he hire you?'

'Ooh, hey...real hardwood floors!'

'Have you got one of those things you use to knock nails in...?'

'I figure that if I sell just one, I can retire.'