Holy Text Analyst Gifts

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

John Bunyan

'Never mind that. I think I've just discovered a new planet!'

"Mark, you have to stop calling John's gospel 'Fan Fiction.'"

Meet the Author

Holy Bible

The Ordered List

"So big data in the cloud really exists!"

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

'Kill all the Canaanites? -- Won't that set a bad precedent?'

Books of Tablets

'Please hold your applause until I've read all ten.'

"I once mistakenly thought I was dating someone for a whole month because I couldn't tell his texts were sarcastic."

Bertram de Born (The Divine Comedy).

"Believe it or not this is the original stack of bibles that I perjured myself on."

"My religion is about love and tolerance! Got that, you stupid son of a bitch!?!

"I'm not sure she really liked our gift. She used just two exclamation points after 'Thanks'."

"It's very nice. I just think they could add a spa."

'Well of course I believed, but I never really thought it was true.'

'And don´t return until you find the shameless who took the tablet with the seventh commandment'

"If I behaved like your god, I'd be arrested."

"I think we'll put it out as a self-help guide."

'You don't really need a halo and wings. It's just a marketing gimmick.'

"If you used a smaller font they would all fit on one tablet."

Heavenly politics. Campaigns here are different from those down on earth. Saint Peter has a complete file on everybody, so there's total transparency up here. Our debates are friendly and the ads are all positive. And here the incumbent in the highest office always runs unopposed. That's all true, but in one way the camaigns up here are just like the ones on earth. They go on for eternity.

"One of you shall betray me - Four of you shall get book deals."

'I want to charter a tour of the promised land, double occupancy for 40,000...'

"My favorite part was when your god sacrificed himself to himself to save humanity from himself."

Book Signing: All-time Best Selling Book, Meet Author Today.

God's Proofreader

"I prefer to keep my religious views to myself."

'My god! I never thought I'd be depressed here too!'

2020 Timeline

"Nobody can stop us!"