Holistic Humorists Pillows

Tattoo parlour - "Don't you think your dog looks tough enough without a tattoo?"

Ethics exam cheater.

Football Chameleon

'Yes, all at once!'

Optimist

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

Ten Commandments

"Fangul." Italian sausage.

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

The Scottish Lawn

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

"Bless me father for I have allegedly sinned."

Technical Terms Explained: Suckers.

"When did this game get started?"

Cover story: Plant World.

Seneca

'I was tired of my goaty, so I decided to grow a moustache...'

"The time has come to reflect and ask ourselves... 'what would Jesus tweet?'"

Murphy bed...Murphy.

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

"Would you consider selling me the TV and movie rights to what you just told me?"

"Wow yes, it's a lovely garden, but I can only see flowers: not a carrot in sight..."

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

"We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way."

"Well, son, in a way, I suppose Jesus was a trust-fund baby."

Man passes Holistic Health Clinic and sees Holistic Donuts.

Department de Philosophie

'Ok, ok, what about this one? There was an Irishman, an Italian and an Englishman ..'

"It started as an out-of body experience but I forgot the password to get back in."

"Not moonshine - small batch, artisanal grain alcohol."

Sheepdog

"Aren't those dead flowers fake?"