Holiday Traditionalist Gifts

Eight nights of excuses

'Sometimes Rudolph, I can't help but feel Christmas is getting too complicated!'

'I hate writing Christmas cards. . . It's all 'Dear so and so. . . Happy Christmas. . . blah, blah, blah. . . maybe I should write people's names in the card to give it more a 'personal touch?''

Angry Santa Letter

"It's from the environmental lobby. . . they want you to stop putting coal in the naughty kids stockings."

"I guess it must be that new growth hormone the farmer gave me!"

Christmas sweater alternatives

"I want my job back."

Elfie Stick

"Oh, Santa! Not you too?"

'Naughty? Nice? Santa, I don't deal in absolutes.'

The Second Thanksgiving.

Snow!

Tesla sledge

'If football didn't exist, what would you do new year's day?'

'Look - why don't I just check out your website, and email a list of stuff I want!'

'With the manufacturing completely automated, the record-keeping computerized and the deliveries by FedEx, we just don't need the old guy any more.'

'Those were the good old days leading Santa's sleigh. Then along came GPS...'

"I've decided to forgo expensive gifts with acts of apathy."

"Room for bigger presents."

"I really miss letters."

"Your daddy had all the trimmings, son, our nation's highest honor."

The First 3-D Thanksgiving

"I'm sorry, but my costs were way out of control."

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

Trick or Tweet

Joe had kept the same suit for thirty-five years!

'Call Me Old-Fashioned, But I Liked It Better When They Didn't Shave Their Armpits.'

"Will she know what this is in reference to?"

"...and most of all, thank you for pre-cooked holiday meals from the supermarket!"

"Tis the season to be jolly!"

"God, I miss the old days!"

"...And don't forget to include the receipts!"

"We had no sherry so I left him some of your dad's home brew instead."

'Turkey's okay, but most of the trimmings are vegetables.'