Holiday Traditionalist Gifts

Eight nights of excuses

"We encourage Theo to challenge clichés and mediocrity."

'Sometimes Rudolph, I can't help but feel Christmas is getting too complicated!'

'I hate writing Christmas cards. . . It's all 'Dear so and so. . . Happy Christmas. . . blah, blah, blah. . . maybe I should write people's names in the card to give it more a 'personal touch?''

Angry Santa Letter

"It's from the environmental lobby. . . they want you to stop putting coal in the naughty kids stockings."

"On the basis you have nothing to give thanks for this past year, what say you spare us the chop?"

"I guess it must be that new growth hormone the farmer gave me!"

Christmas sweater alternatives

"I want my job back."

Elfie Stick

"Oh, Santa! Not you too?"

'Naughty? Nice? Santa, I don't deal in absolutes.'

Amazon and Santa Collide.

The Second Thanksgiving.

Snow!

Tesla sledge

"He's been around since the sixties."

'Just because we're not on his blogroll,doesn't mean we should cross him off our Christmas card list.'

'If football didn't exist, what would you do new year's day?'

'Look - why don't I just check out your website, and email a list of stuff I want!'

'With the manufacturing completely automated, the record-keeping computerized and the deliveries by FedEx, we just don't need the old guy any more.'

'Those were the good old days leading Santa's sleigh. Then along came GPS...'

"I've decided to forgo expensive gifts with acts of apathy."

"It's just not the same."

Co, co, co. Meet Santa.

I heard a rumor that he's going to deliver presents using drones this year! I hope not! Drone technology is far less reliable than Rudolph and the other reindeer! And besides, Christmas eve won't be the same if the sound of sleigh bells is replaced by the buzzing of a drone! My big brother said if I don't make his bed for him every day, he'll hack into Santa's database and put me on the "naughty" list. I've never trusted his computer system. And e-mail. I ask for presents with a hard-copy

You shoved a candy cane in my ear!! Ingrate. It's customary to thank someone when she gives you a Christmas gift. In my day, people would actually mail a handwritten letter to express their gratitude. But you young losers don't respect people enough to take time to do that. My ear!!! No, it's true.

It's the ghost of Thanksgiving past

"Room for bigger presents."

"I really miss letters."

"Your daddy had all the trimmings, son, our nation's highest honor."

The First 3-D Thanksgiving

"I'm sorry, but my costs were way out of control."

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'