Thanksgiving Traditionalists Gifts

Thanksgiving in the '90s

Grace For Flies

Elfie Stick

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

Trick or Tweet

Christmas sweater alternatives

'Call Me Old-Fashioned, But I Liked It Better When They Didn't Shave Their Armpits.'

The First 3-D Thanksgiving

"I guess it must be that new growth hormone the farmer gave me!"

'Naughty? Nice? Santa, I don't deal in absolutes.'

"We encourage Theo to challenge clichés and mediocrity."

"Room for bigger presents."

Luddite Zoom.

"...and most of all, thank you for pre-cooked holiday meals from the supermarket!"

"I've decided to forgo expensive gifts with acts of apathy."

Turkey With All the Trimmings

"God, I hate theme dinners."

"Doesn't it seem like we just finished letting the air out of last year's tree?"

'Turkey's okay, but most of the trimmings are vegetables.'

I heard a rumor that he's going to deliver presents using drones this year! I hope not! Drone technology is far less reliable than Rudolph and the other reindeer! And besides, Christmas eve won't be the same if the sound of sleigh bells is replaced by the buzzing of a drone! My big brother said if I don't make his bed for him every day, he'll hack into Santa's database and put me on the "naughty" list. I've never trusted his computer system. And e-mail. I ask for presents with a hard-copy

"It's just not the same."

'Remember, son. A winner is one who can keep his head while all around him are losing theirs.'

Give Thanks.

'Sometimes Rudolph, I can't help but feel Christmas is getting too complicated!'

'Whose idea was it that every thanksgiving the women watch romantic comedies all day and we get stuck cleaning up?'

Elephant Upgrade

"I want my job back."

"Your daddy had all the trimmings, son, our nation's highest honor."

"On the basis you have nothing to give thanks for this past year, what say you spare us the chop?"

"We represent a North Carolina trade association and we'd like to file suit against the Native Americans for introducing our clients to a certain agricultural product."

Thanksgiving Turkey Weight and Fortune

Chicken Little's Cousin, Turkey Little: 'The Axe is falling! The axe is falling!'

Angry Santa Letter

Who goes there - young Turk or old guard?