Christmas Traditionalists Gifts

For Santa's Drone

'Nothing from China this year, okay?'

Elfie Stick

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

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Christmas sweater alternatives

'Call Me Old-Fashioned, But I Liked It Better When They Didn't Shave Their Armpits.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

"I guess it must be that new growth hormone the farmer gave me!"

The First 3-D Thanksgiving

'Naughty? Nice? Santa, I don't deal in absolutes.'

'After a Gadzillon glasses of milk and cookies who wouldn't have an upset stomach?'

"Have you given any thought to legacy and sustainability?"

"...and most of all, thank you for pre-cooked holiday meals from the supermarket!"

"Room for bigger presents."

"I don't care what your father said, Santa likes milk and cookies NOT beer and pretzels!"

"God, I miss the old days!"

"We had no sherry so I left him some of your dad's home brew instead."

The night of the return

'Turkey's okay, but most of the trimmings are vegetables.'

"I've decided to forgo expensive gifts with acts of apathy."

"Doesn't it seem like we just finished letting the air out of last year's tree?"

An Amazon drone crashes into Santa's sleigh

"...And don't forget to include the receipts!"

'Skip the meal more room for dessert!'

'Sometimes Rudolph, I can't help but feel Christmas is getting too complicated!'

"Your daddy had all the trimmings, son, our nation's highest honor."

Nutcracker

"I thought you might like to have a merrier brain for the new millennium!"

"I want my job back."

"Just answer the question, sir. Is it true that you're not planning to watch 'It's a Wonderful Life' this holiday season?"

"We represent a North Carolina trade association and we'd like to file suit against the Native Americans for introducing our clients to a certain agricultural product."