Hiss-torical Humorist Gifts

"That's such a clever title: I love a good pun..."

"You're going to hate yourself."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Quick, Lassie, go get I.T.!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"I said slime."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

'On second thought, let's try it the other way around... My head on a lion's body.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

A bird plays the flute to a cat.

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Wait, has thou brought snacks?"

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

Adam and Eve, as old people.

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'Business is booming.' - at Uncle Bert's Explosives

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"Our cloud computing services include IaaS, PaaS, SaaS, NaaS, CaaS...and BaaS!"

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

'Sheep striptease'.

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'Well, they're just like your mom's cookies if your mom is a 35 ton, multi-unit dough extruder.'

TECHNICAL SUPPORT, 'Have you tried pounding it with your fist?'

"We remain reasonably confident that once we nail down the little network problem we're having, all Hell will be able to break loose according to the modified schedule, which, unfortunately, is in a file we can't seem to locate right now."

Man blows horn and bubbles come out.

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have any on the job experience?'

Moon Pies.

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."