Healthy Pretender Gifts

Walk right in. Sit right down.

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

"I work out in preparation for being out of shape for the next 30 years."

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

'I can't see my nuts anymore.'

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

The nutritional devils and angels on your shoulder.

"I just finished a 10-day cleanse. Now it's time to retox."

"But honey, I've spent my last 30 years pretending to look busy. I can't quit overnight."

"You need more info? Listen, son, our ancestors faked it, I fake it, and by gawd, it's time you learned to fake it."

The Janopause

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

Grocer with pretensions of being a soldier

Jenkins won't be here today. He just called in healthy.

"But is it Organic?"

Kid sweeps dirt under his junk on the floor.

"Unexpected item in bagging area."

Miserable man holding a balloon with smiling face.

Mom & Dad Recipe Corner

"Athlete? No. Ambulance chaser."

Finally. A home exercise system that really is a clothes rack!

Fairy Tales in Pandemic Time

"Because we're jerks."

'...all been inspired by the Olympics...now touch those toes...touch those...'

"Did someone eat my edamame ice pack?!"

"I'm very good at acting like I know what I'm doing."

"I can't go to school today, Mom . . . I'm running a low-grade spring fever."

"I put vegetables on my facebook likes just to play with my Mom's head."

"Changing your Facebook profile does not count as exercise!"

"I always drink from a travel mug. It makes me feel like I'm out of the house."

'Great, more trans-fats and cholesterol!'

'I can tell when it's getting close to New Year's.. my liver starts to quiver.'

"Well, no, but I always rooted for them."

'As a matter of fact, he quit smoking three years ago.'

''Earn our bread by the sweat of our brow'? -- is that sanitary?'