Fitness Pretender Gifts

"Athlete? No. Ambulance chaser."

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

"It seemed like miles to me!"

"I really have to exercise more. I went from yelling 'Fore' in my 20's, to yelling 'Wow' in my 30's, to yelling 'Ow' in my 50's."

Staff. Manager. So then you must say "I refuse to lift weights." Hey, that's not what I expected when I hired you to be a resistance training instructor!

'She thinks I'm out every night training for the London Marathon.'

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

"I tried the C25k but prefer the 5k2C"

'I can't see my nuts anymore.'

'It's the new iPed. It's a pedometer, a GPS, and it has apps that show you the nearest ice cream parlors and dessert shops.'

T-shirt reads: 'No Pain, No Pain.'

Sadie, the way you objectify football players is unconscionable. It's what? All you talk about are their muscles, square jaws, animal intensity. Ooh. What? I live it when you get all puffed up and macho and tough. And what biceps. Much better. Well played. Girl does what she's got to.

"To be honest...if it wasn't for the dog I wouldn't get any exercise at all!"

'I understand the concept, sir, but I think I'd do better if it were a donut.'

"You need more info? Listen, son, our ancestors faked it, I fake it, and by gawd, it's time you learned to fake it."

"And the best feature of this shoe is you'll look Athletic even if you're not."

'You know that thin person inside you, struggling to get out? -- He seems to have gained weight, too.'

"Nice try Mrs Wimslow"

"Sometimes a tightness in the chest can be a sign of high blood pressure. In your husband's case, however, I just loosened his belt a little."

"Good coffee."

"So all these years you never did yoga but just walked around carrying the mat?"

"I feel so much more relaxed since I punched out my yoga instructor!"

'They opened an ice cream shop by the gym.'

'This is my favorite machine in the gym.'

Finally. A home exercise system that really is a clothes rack!

'I bought a treadmill, so if he sleepwalks again I know where he is.'

Sit-ups / Stationary-ups

"I think that form '10,000' steps may have been 9,999 too many!"

"Pace yourself, Mother."

'I know it's my third doughnut, but it's okay. I'm using the Pilates method of dunking.'

'...all been inspired by the Olympics...now touch those toes...touch those...'

"Because we're jerks."

'Oh great, we break down in the middle of nowhere and the only spare tyre we have is the one around your waist!'

"No, Fred didn't run a TV marathon - He watched a marathon on TV."

'Diets are easy, I've been on loads of them.'