Healthcare Systems Ponderer Gifts

"Dogs can detect cancer, and mice can detect tuberculosis."

Waiting for Pants

"All I take anymore is mushrooms for my anxiety, ketamine for my depression, and ibuprofen for the goblins constantly eating my feet."

The Human Condition

"How the hell should I know what I'm looking at? You're lousy insurance doesn't provide HD X-rays."

'Jerry, The Hermans take the same pharmaceuticals we do!'

Desert crawler following water

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

"Congratulations you've escaped. Now what?"

Doctor sits near work boxes labelled; 'NHS' and 'Private'.

"Hey, way to go! You invented both the disease AND the cure!"

"The healthcare industry has made a lot of advances in billing technology."

'Are you a hypochondriac who has everything but your regular placebo isn't doing the job? Talk to your doctor about the new extra-strength placebo.'

"We need a product that works like aspirin, but is a lot more expensive to buy."

'Will this make me feel as happy as the people in the commercial?'

At first she didn't want to live if it meant being attached to tubes. But before you knew it, they were getting along just fine.

No man is an island ??" it just looks that way.

'I quit the medication. It gave me lots of zippity, but took away my doo dah.'

How do medicines work? They don't! All they do is give God time to heal the body!

'It didn't make sense until I conferred with your financial planner.'

"We should mention a few mild side effects. If here are none at all, people will be suspicious."

'Who are you calling Napoleon?I'm just going to pay you!'

'I'm afraid I have some bad news.'

"I'd like to get more aggressive in your treatment... I'm changing your prescription from 'Medical Marijuana' to 'Medical Crack.'"

"By the way, I can't afford your fees."

"Will I be able to carry on not doing any exercise?"

101 Things to do while waiting for internet access

'We can't make any plans. By the time we grow up, there will be professions no one has ever dreamed of.'

'My doctor says I'm suffering from nymphomania - can you do anything to help me?'

"Next time, don't call me at 3 a.m. to ask if a pill you saw on late night TV is right for you!"

There are only two types of people in the world. Those who are built for salad and those who are not.

"So which HMO do you plan to join?"

Eating Pills