Healthcare Systems Ponderer Pillows

"Dogs can detect cancer, and mice can detect tuberculosis."

Waiting for Pants

"All I take anymore is mushrooms for my anxiety, ketamine for my depression, and ibuprofen for the goblins constantly eating my feet."

Your problems are all in your head, Al. This time you're wrong, doctor. I happen to be lying on my keys. The problem is not in my head. It's in my left buttock.

The Human Condition

"How the hell should I know what I'm looking at? You're lousy insurance doesn't provide HD X-rays."

'Jerry, The Hermans take the same pharmaceuticals we do!'

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

"Congratulations you've escaped. Now what?"

Desert crawler following water

Doctor sits near work boxes labelled; 'NHS' and 'Private'.

"Hey, way to go! You invented both the disease AND the cure!"

'Are you a hypochondriac who has everything but your regular placebo isn't doing the job? Talk to your doctor about the new extra-strength placebo.'

"I don't think I could fit another slice in...oh, hold on."

"The healthcare industry has made a lot of advances in billing technology."

"We need a product that works like aspirin, but is a lot more expensive to buy."

'Will this make me feel as happy as the people in the commercial?'

This is a test of their cognitive skills, and that's a test of their patience. Waiting room.

At first she didn't want to live if it meant being attached to tubes. But before you knew it, they were getting along just fine.

No man is an island ??" it just looks that way.

'I quit the medication. It gave me lots of zippity, but took away my doo dah.'

How do medicines work? They don't! All they do is give God time to heal the body!

'It didn't make sense until I conferred with your financial planner.'

'Who are you calling Napoleon?I'm just going to pay you!'

"We should mention a few mild side effects. If here are none at all, people will be suspicious."

'I'm afraid I have some bad news.'

"I'd like to get more aggressive in your treatment... I'm changing your prescription from 'Medical Marijuana' to 'Medical Crack.'"

101 Things to do while waiting for internet access

"By the way, I can't afford your fees."

"Will I be able to carry on not doing any exercise?"

'We can't make any plans. By the time we grow up, there will be professions no one has ever dreamed of.'

"Next time, don't call me at 3 a.m. to ask if a pill you saw on late night TV is right for you!"

There are only two types of people in the world. Those who are built for salad and those who are not.

'My doctor says I'm suffering from nymphomania - can you do anything to help me?'

"So which HMO do you plan to join?"