Health Trend Naysayer Gifts

'To heck with dieting, who's gonna care twenty million years from now?'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

Need a vitaminlike pill, but don't want to risk the side effects? Then try the world's first multivitamin placebo! They don't do any good, but they don't do any harm either.

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

"Enlightenment can only come when you realize there is more to life than gluten free hot sauce."

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

'Those are to increase my mental energy. . . Those are a mild sedative to calm my nerves.'

'Can I trust a Doctor whose prescriptions have absolutely no side effects?'

"As far as I can tell, meditation is just worrying minus the content."

'Well you were warned about the dangers of sedentary lifestyle.'

"They harvest our noses then liquify them and drink the juice. They believe it gives them special powers called 'antioxidants'."

Doctor, I looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead. Don't believe everything you read on the net.

"If exercise is so good for you, how come athletes retire at 35?"

"Why should I want to add years to my life when they all come at the end?"

'You are on a sickie you skiving little...'

A woman stops at a building directory sign for Centers for Diseases.

'It seems so festive.'

"I'm sorry to say your husband took so many antioxidants, he suffocated."

'Seems like we're all too old, unfit, overweight. . .'

"My doctor said I needed to go on a diet. . . Yes, to a new doctor!"

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'