Health Trend Naysayer Gifts

'To heck with dieting, who's gonna care twenty million years from now?'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

Need a vitaminlike pill, but don't want to risk the side effects? Then try the world's first multivitamin placebo! They don't do any good, but they don't do any harm either.

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

"Enlightenment can only come when you realize there is more to life than gluten free hot sauce."

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

'Those are to increase my mental energy. . . Those are a mild sedative to calm my nerves.'

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

'Can I trust a Doctor whose prescriptions have absolutely no side effects?'

"As far as I can tell, meditation is just worrying minus the content."

"They harvest our noses then liquify them and drink the juice. They believe it gives them special powers called 'antioxidants'."

Dr. Nutrition, would you say our tuna sandwiches could prevent hair loss? Dr. Nutrition. Given how furry you are, I'll take that as a yes. I will tell our customers the great news. I really appreciate your input, Dr. Nutrition. You are a valued scientific authority. The key to a successful scam is maintaining the pretense at all times.

'Well you were warned about the dangers of sedentary lifestyle.'

Doctor, I looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead. Don't believe everything you read on the net.

'It seems so festive.'

A woman stops at a building directory sign for Centers for Diseases.

'You are on a sickie you skiving little...'

"If exercise is so good for you, how come athletes retire at 35?"

"Why should I want to add years to my life when they all come at the end?"

I'll have a gentle flower chamomile tea. That's a good choice, Uncle Mort. Of course you'd say that!!! You're in the pocket of the chamomile industry! You feed at the chamomile trough!!! Here. Delicious. Thanks. I'm glad you're finally taking the doc's advice and laying off the caffeine. That's what you think! I just swallowed seven caffeine tablets with it!!!! Forget the doctors! Big chamomile is in cahoots with big medical insurzzzzzzzz. Addiction is an ugly thing.

"I'm sorry to say your husband took so many antioxidants, he suffocated."

'Seems like we're all too old, unfit, overweight. . .'

"These diet pills must work. My purse is getting thinner and thinner."