Health Trend Cynic Gifts

'It seems so festive.'

Raw food, after you leave for work.

All Natural Nothing

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

Need a vitaminlike pill, but don't want to risk the side effects? Then try the world's first multivitamin placebo! They don't do any good, but they don't do any harm either.

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

"Slow down. I need another drink. Can we rest for a minute?"

'I'm taking you off that banana diet, Mrs Smith!'

"It's been 10 years Martha, why are we still eating quinoa?"

Too Skinny, Too Fat

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

'School of nutrition - as of today: Butter, good...'

"Since Dr Mullin's ill, a temp from Manpower will perform your liver transplant."

"Here's to us, kid—and the healing powers of raw juices."

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

"Enlightenment can only come when you realize there is more to life than gluten free hot sauce."

"We couldn't find a raw-vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free, non-G.M.O. cake for your birthday, so we got you nothing."

"I don't speak Yoga. I speak Pilates."

'Well we could operate. That would give you something to talk about. But that would get old quick, and them you'd be even more boring.' Why the dull rarely seek help.

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."

"So does this Flamingo diet have any side effects?"

'You'll be happy to know there's nothing wrong with you. That will be four thousand, three hundred and eighty two dollars.'

'Those are to increase my mental energy. . . Those are a mild sedative to calm my nerves.'

Formally foods that were good for you.

"Why did you just dump my kiwi-colada smoothie on my head?" "I'm glad you (huff) asked." "Studies (huff) show that sitting all (huff) day long behind a desk leads (huff) to obesity, sickness, (huff) toe-swelling (huff) and an early, (huff) excruciating (huff) death." "So more (huff) and more (huff) office workers are using (huff) standing desks (huff) with treadmills." "Have you ever (huff) tried handing someone (huff) a smoothie while running (huff) on a treadmill?" "They walk. ...walk."

"We've gone glutton-free."

"So all these years you never did yoga but just walked around carrying the mat?"

"It might taste a little different. It's gluten-free slop."

"I'm leaning towards the health benefits of becoming a vegetarian."

Paleo-to-go

"They harvest our noses then liquify them and drink the juice. They believe it gives them special powers called 'antioxidants'."