Health Satire Fan Gifts

Normally I'd fight and threat to the patient / doctor relationships.. but in the case of Mr Baxter's Anal Warts I'm prepared to make an exception."

'You smoke, you drink, you're overweight...You ought to be ashamed of yourself, making a laughing stock of us doctors!'

"He's one of my five-a-day."

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."

"The colonoscopy isn't your eternal punishment...the prep is."

M.D. You burned a hole in your stomach --- eat only bland foods from now on! No more spicy food?! It's a season-ending injury!

How To Make A Pigs Ear Out Of Swine Flu.

"I think you're suffering from nostalgia, Mr. Prentice."

"Your veins are too narrow. Let me get our in-house specialist to help."

"I've had a sore throat ever since we moved near the airport!"

'You've got dry scalp.'

'Sure we're underfunded, but we manage!'

'The NHS is committed to patients having control over their care...So if you'd like to check your symptoms online I'll be back later for a diagnosis and careplan.'

"I'll have someone come in and prep you for the bill."

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

'Good lord, Mrs. Frost, how long has he been running a fever?!'

'Like I said - It's non invasive surgery.'

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

'You have bullseye rash. take this medicine twice a day and stay away from dart games.'

'You need some stress.'

'I'm sending you to see another doctor, he's a specialist in hyperchondria.'

'And now for the anesthesia: I've got plenty of conventional anesthetics I could use here but you can also choose to spend half an hour on the phone with my mother...'

"Sorry, there's no toilet paper or hand sanitizer down here."