Health Satire Fans Gifts

"I picked this up from the humans. . . two metre gap. . . gives us a much wider spread."

". . . It's one of those extra-cholesterols!"

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

'I've got this feeling, like a heavy weight on my stomach.'

"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."

"The colonoscopy isn't your eternal punishment...the prep is."

"Your veins are too narrow. Let me get our in-house specialist to help."

M.D. You burned a hole in your stomach --- eat only bland foods from now on! No more spicy food?! It's a season-ending injury!

'You've got dry scalp.'

"I've had a sore throat ever since we moved near the airport!"

"I think you're suffering from nostalgia, Mr. Prentice."

How To Make A Pigs Ear Out Of Swine Flu.

'Sure we're underfunded, but we manage!'

'The NHS is committed to patients having control over their care...So if you'd like to check your symptoms online I'll be back later for a diagnosis and careplan.'

"I'll have someone come in and prep you for the bill."

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

'Good lord, Mrs. Frost, how long has he been running a fever?!'

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

'You have bullseye rash. take this medicine twice a day and stay away from dart games.'

'You need some stress.'

'And now for the anesthesia: I've got plenty of conventional anesthetics I could use here but you can also choose to spend half an hour on the phone with my mother...'

'I'm sending you to see another doctor, he's a specialist in hyperchondria.'

"Sorry, there's no toilet paper or hand sanitizer down here."

'Next time your kid has a party, blow up the balloons with an airpump!'

"It says here you've been experiencing peels of thunder�"