Health Paradox Enthusiast Gifts

'Geeez! One day, we'll all get killed by that unhealthy stuff!'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

'Are we having fun yet?'

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

"We just made a big cancer breakthrough. Have a cigar."

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

Gym/Tan/Donut

'Can I trust a Doctor whose prescriptions have absolutely no side effects?'

Dr. Nutrition, would you say our tuna sandwiches could prevent hair loss? Dr. Nutrition. Given how furry you are, I'll take that as a yes. I will tell our customers the great news. I really appreciate your input, Dr. Nutrition. You are a valued scientific authority. The key to a successful scam is maintaining the pretense at all times.

'Chef's salad as ordered.'

Doctor, I looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead. Don't believe everything you read on the net.

"It's a cause close to my heart."

"Why should I want to add years to my life when they all come at the end?"

'You are on a sickie you skiving little...'

This thing on my neck is keeping me awake at night.

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

"These diet pills must work. My purse is getting thinner and thinner."

'Seems like we're all too old, unfit, overweight. . .'

I'll have a gentle flower chamomile tea. That's a good choice, Uncle Mort. Of course you'd say that!!! You're in the pocket of the chamomile industry! You feed at the chamomile trough!!! Here. Delicious. Thanks. I'm glad you're finally taking the doc's advice and laying off the caffeine. That's what you think! I just swallowed seven caffeine tablets with it!!!! Forget the doctors! Big chamomile is in cahoots with big medical insurzzzzzzzz. Addiction is an ugly thing.

"Because when it actually works they just call it medicine."

'Ignore him, he's got a touch of man flu, I'll pour him into bed later.'

"So smoking will kill you... bacon will kill you... but will smoking bacon will cure it?"

'That old 'diet and exercise scam' again!'

The Royal Touch, Believed to Be a Cure for Scrofula, Pox and Excessive Cholesterol

Abs of Gold?

'So, that's 20 cans of beer and 4 packs of roasted peanuts. Are you absolutely sure your doctor prescribed you this?'

"It's a warning from the American Hypochondriacs Association -- you've been overprescribing placebos."