Health Paranoia Enthusiast Gifts

"I just talked to Grunzman on the phone when he called in sick...I fear he really has got something very, very highly contagious!"

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

HELLth Food Sprouts

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

How To Make A Pigs Ear Out Of Swine Flu.

"I'm guessing you're a germaphobe?"

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

'Extreme acupuncture.'

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

Toilet roll beauty tips.

Cook for 3 minutes stir, wait 30 years to discover if the contaminated ingredient gives you stomach cancer.

Just in time for Halloween...

'Can I trust a Doctor whose prescriptions have absolutely no side effects?'

Forget Your Worries at Velton Corners, Spa.

It's not a tongue depressor, it's a used popsicle stick. If you can name the flavor, your taste buds pass the test.

Dr. Nutrition, would you say our tuna sandwiches could prevent hair loss? Dr. Nutrition. Given how furry you are, I'll take that as a yes. I will tell our customers the great news. I really appreciate your input, Dr. Nutrition. You are a valued scientific authority. The key to a successful scam is maintaining the pretense at all times.

Doctor, I looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead. Don't believe everything you read on the net.

"Why should I want to add years to my life when they all come at the end?"

'You are on a sickie you skiving little...'

Doctor to man: 'Don't kid yourself. You don't have athlete's foot - more like couch potato's corns.'

"I think the Church is taking this flu thing a little too seriously."

I'll have a gentle flower chamomile tea. That's a good choice, Uncle Mort. Of course you'd say that!!! You're in the pocket of the chamomile industry! You feed at the chamomile trough!!! Here. Delicious. Thanks. I'm glad you're finally taking the doc's advice and laying off the caffeine. That's what you think! I just swallowed seven caffeine tablets with it!!!! Forget the doctors! Big chamomile is in cahoots with big medical insurzzzzzzzz. Addiction is an ugly thing.

'Get back! Get back! Or so help me...I'll eat it!'

'Seems like we're all too old, unfit, overweight. . .'

"These diet pills must work. My purse is getting thinner and thinner."

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

"Because when it actually works they just call it medicine."

A Reasonable Time for Concern