Health Monitor Pillows

"I'm going to take your blood pressure, so try to relax and not think about what a high reading might mean for your chances of living a long, healthy life."

'Is there something you're not telling me, Doctor?'

'A health report today warned skeptics, who take everything with a grain of salt, could result in abnormal hypertension. . .'

"There are two types of cholesterol - the good type, then the one you've got."

"Don't take time to smell the flowers anymore. The tests show you're allergic to them."

Coronavirus Shadow

"Approaching 10,000 steps."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'As you can see, it's a boy and he seems to be doing just fine.'

"First you leave me in the waiting room for two hours before I can see you... then you tell me I've got to watch my blood pressure!"

'No booze, no red meat, easy on the carbs...I've given up living so I can live longer.'

Woman and scales.

"Self-distancing from that cake was too much for him!"

"Well, my fitness band told my doctor how lazy I've been since my last visit. How do I turn on privacy on this thing?!!!"

"What? The goal wasn't to see it go down, just not to see it go up."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

"Well sorry doc, but that's not the reading I get from my digital wrist heart monitor."

'I have yopur lab results. Some of your readings are too high and some are too low. No, they don't balance out.'

Next! (liposuction specialist)

'It has my horoscope, heart rate and cholesterol level...but I'm sorry, I don't have the time.'

"I guarantee that your appetite will be suppressed if you take just one of these diet pills per day."

For temporary relief of symptoms due to cold or flu. May cause drowsiness. Use caution when operating machinery.

'Better check out what Dr. Figowitz is working on these days.'

"You're prediabetic. I can't help you unless you decide to eat less sugar - or more sugar."

'I've been watching what I eat. Have you got anything for tired eyes?'

"I can't relax. It feels like I'm being watched."

"I feel fine but according to my new watch I might be dead!"

The Problem

'There, but for liposuction, go I.'

"When I said I needed to look at your diet I meant a list!"

'It's just a summer complaint. You'll be as good as new by fall.'

Life before fitness trackers.

Man is dumber because of his smartwatch.