Health Monitor Humorist Pillows

A patient's stocks graph matches that of his heart monitor.

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

Lactose Intolerant

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

PSA Banter.

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

Providing Healthcare For All

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

'We're all out of flu vaccine - how about something for anxiety...?'

"Is that your idea of a well balanced diet"

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

"Gesundheit!"

Would you be willing to sign something regarding the fat content of your burger? Like what? My colon.

Treat Dispensers for the Middle-Aged

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

'It may be more inconvenient, but the 'Reverse Prostate Exam' is a lot less embarrassing for the both of us.'

My Dream Valentine

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

To encourage patients to take their medication, Dr. Gratner brought in a sketch artist to show them what they will look like in six months without meds.

"You're on a low sodium diet so watch the salty talk."

Doctor to patient: 'While I'm back here, let's try a little something I learned when I was a ventriloquist.'

I hope you don't mind them - This is a teaching animal hospital.

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'