Health Watcher Pillows

"The speaker was rushed to the hospital with chest pains. Apparently, he has an opportunity with high blood pressure."

"First you leave me in the waiting room for two hours before I can see you... then you tell me I've got to watch my blood pressure!"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Self-distancing from that cake was too much for him!"

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

Exercising

Republicans and Democrats debate while the US economy drowns.

Toxic Waste Lorry/Toxic Additives Lorry

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"Do you cover hypochondria?"

"I made a list of all my symptoms. Lost the list. Can't remember any of my symptoms now."

"According to these latest tests, anything can cause anything."

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

A woman stares at a birthday cake that has "4,000,000 calories" written on top of it in icing.

New Ebola deaths in Sierra Leone

'No, you haven't missed much. Pretty well everyone called in sick.'

'I'm so proud of you sweetie, you haven't smoked for a week!'

"It's probably just stress, but let's take a look. Open up and say, ARGGGH!!!"

'You're perfectly fit and healthy...but at your age...seriously, what's the point?'

'No booze, no red meat, easy on the carbs...I've given up living so I can live longer.'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

"I'm sorry, but you've had it up to here."

'I'm convinced I've got page 68 of my medical dictionary, doctor!'

"As a confirmed hypochondriac, I rely on placebos to get me through the day."

"I'm going to have to make this quick, God. I just ask that you watch over me during my double knee replacement tomorrow."

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

'Is there something you're not telling me, Doctor?'

Cook for 3 minutes stir, wait 30 years to discover if the contaminated ingredient gives you stomach cancer.

'I want to lose weight, Doctor.' - 'Eat less, then.' - 'I need it to be more complicated than that.' - 'Why?' - 'How can I justify failing if it's that simple, eh?!' - 'Gah. He's breaking me...' -

Weight Loss Clinic: 100% guaranteed.

'You're fine. Now get out of my office!'

'You're a hypochondriac.' 'Yes, Doctor, but am I a healthy hypochondriac, or a sick hypochondriac?'

"Big deal about your weight loss advice! I lost my christmas job at Wal-Mart!"

You look tired, Rudy. Nah, I'm actually not tired. Why don't you go take a break. I'll man the counter for you. That's ok, Uncle Mort. Look at those bags beneath your eyes. And … are those wrinkles I see there? Did you know you age faster if you don't sleep? I'm on to you, Uncle Mort. You want me to step away so you can fix yourself an Espresso. Your doctors said no caffeine. You sound paranoid, Rudy. You're seeing duplicity everywhere. That's a symptom of sleep deprivation. I'm just thinking ab

'Panic over...it's not mumps just high blood pressure.'