Health Watcher Pillows

"The speaker was rushed to the hospital with chest pains. Apparently, he has an opportunity with high blood pressure."

"First you leave me in the waiting room for two hours before I can see you... then you tell me I've got to watch my blood pressure!"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Self-distancing from that cake was too much for him!"

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

Exercising

Republicans and Democrats debate while the US economy drowns.

Toxic Waste Lorry/Toxic Additives Lorry

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"According to these latest tests, anything can cause anything."

"I made a list of all my symptoms. Lost the list. Can't remember any of my symptoms now."

"Do you cover hypochondria?"

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

New Ebola deaths in Sierra Leone

A woman stares at a birthday cake that has "4,000,000 calories" written on top of it in icing.

'No, you haven't missed much. Pretty well everyone called in sick.'

'I'm so proud of you sweetie, you haven't smoked for a week!'

"It's probably just stress, but let's take a look. Open up and say, ARGGGH!!!"

'You're perfectly fit and healthy...but at your age...seriously, what's the point?'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

'No booze, no red meat, easy on the carbs...I've given up living so I can live longer.'

'I'm convinced I've got page 68 of my medical dictionary, doctor!'

"I'm sorry, but you've had it up to here."

"I'm going to have to make this quick, God. I just ask that you watch over me during my double knee replacement tomorrow."

"As a confirmed hypochondriac, I rely on placebos to get me through the day."

'Is there something you're not telling me, Doctor?'

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

Cook for 3 minutes stir, wait 30 years to discover if the contaminated ingredient gives you stomach cancer.

'I want to lose weight, Doctor.' - 'Eat less, then.' - 'I need it to be more complicated than that.' - 'Why?' - 'How can I justify failing if it's that simple, eh?!' - 'Gah. He's breaking me...' -

"Big deal about your weight loss advice! I lost my christmas job at Wal-Mart!"

'You're a hypochondriac.' 'Yes, Doctor, but am I a healthy hypochondriac, or a sick hypochondriac?'

Weight Loss Clinic: 100% guaranteed.

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

'My Dad stays in shape watching other people exercise.'

'You're fine. Now get out of my office!'