Health Trend Watcher Pillows

"Your mother eats all the wrong foods."

"How passe, darling, everyone I know is re-toxing these days!"

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'The prevailing wisdom is that markets are always right. I think that luck is always right.'

Raw food, after you leave for work.

All Natural Nothing

Emergency Hipster Beard

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

"Welcome to Sugar Free Farm! The reality show, where celebs go cold turkey on their sugar addictions for two weeks."

Need a vitaminlike pill, but don't want to risk the side effects? Then try the world's first multivitamin placebo! They don't do any good, but they don't do any harm either.

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

"It's been 10 years Martha, why are we still eating quinoa?"

'Why don't you use more blue? -- Blue is very popular these days.'

"Slow down. I need another drink. Can we rest for a minute?"

'I'm taking you off that banana diet, Mrs Smith!'

'What's this I hear about you going long?'

'Our new simplified energy bills just have a few options starting with 'Grossly inflated' and progressing to the premium 'Bloodsucker' package. . .'

Too Skinny, Too Fat

#notblessed

"First you leave me in the waiting room for two hours before I can see you... then you tell me I've got to watch my blood pressure!"

'School of nutrition - as of today: Butter, good...'

"When did everybody stop jogging?"

"Remarkable, but I'd feel so much better about it if we knew what the hell we're doing right."

Sales Research shows it's too big for them to carry home, sir.

"Here's to us, kid—and the healing powers of raw juices."

"Halloween stuff already? It's August!"

"A Leading cosmetics company believes our drilling mud would ake an excellent skincare product."

"CBD… oil… CBD… oil…"

"I'm thinking of letting my bangs grow out."

"Enlightenment can only come when you realize there is more to life than gluten free hot sauce."

'Bandwagon Marketing & Advertising... Specializing in political candidates.'