Health Trend Followers Pillows

"We couldn't find a raw-vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free, non-G.M.O. cake for your birthday, so we got you nothing."

"I don't really need to avoid gluten, but I feel it's a popular concern with broad appeal we can all share."

'My husband's idea of a sports drink is having a chocolate malted while watching basketball on TV.'

"I've started a new diet. I'm supposed to put Worcestershire sauce on everything I eat."

"The herbal tea names used to be more soothing."

Raw food, after you leave for work.

All Natural Nothing

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'

"Welcome to Sugar Free Farm! The reality show, where celebs go cold turkey on their sugar addictions for two weeks."

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

'If you're looking for compensatory materialism on wheels, look no further.'

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

Giraffe Selfie

"It's been 10 years Martha, why are we still eating quinoa?"

"Slow down. I need another drink. Can we rest for a minute?"

'I'm taking you off that banana diet, Mrs Smith!'

An alternative theory as to why dinosaurs are extinct.

Too Skinny, Too Fat

'School of nutrition - as of today: Butter, good...'

'Bad news! More people are switching from red meat to fish!'

"Here's to us, kid—and the healing powers of raw juices."

"He's our new trend-spotter?"

"Mixed nuts are brain food, or so I read in 'Mixed Nut Digest'."

'According to Dr Alvin McDowell, everything that was good for you is now bad for you!'

"Today on the ask Sadie show, we'll be addressing one single topic: 'Wolverine.' Specifically, we'll be talking about how most of you freaks who were obsessed with it for months are no longer talking about it. You people today have the attention span of a chimpanzee!!! That's an average of about 20 seconds, for those of you who still remember what I just said."

"CBD… oil… CBD… oil…"

"I'm pleased to say our dishes all have too much kale."

"I don't speak Yoga. I speak Pilates."

"Why did you just dump my kiwi-colada smoothie on my head?" "I'm glad you (huff) asked." "Studies (huff) show that sitting all (huff) day long behind a desk leads (huff) to obesity, sickness, (huff) toe-swelling (huff) and an early, (huff) excruciating (huff) death." "So more (huff) and more (huff) office workers are using (huff) standing desks (huff) with treadmills." "Have you ever (huff) tried handing someone (huff) a smoothie while running (huff) on a treadmill?" "They walk. ...walk."

'Those are to increase my mental energy. . . Those are a mild sedative to calm my nerves.'

'Aaar! Walk the person planked on the plank!'

"We've gone glutton-free."