Health Coverage Connoisseur Gifts

'The bad news is, during open enrollment we get to choose between our uncaring, inconvenient plan or another one that's just as bad or worse.'

"What you have is very rare... You have, sufficient medical insurance."

"Hold on - I need to tell the credit card company I'm going on a trip."

S**t Threw a Goose

"Most of my consumerism is self-taught."

'No - we really don't cater for vegans, even our salad dressing is made from sperm oil!'

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

Medicare: More is Better!

'Your baseball card has more value than you do.'

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, Doctor scared by apples,

"I can refer you either to Dr. Basinkski, a noted specialist, Dr. Hodge-Cabot, who is a pioneer in the field, or Charlie, a generic doctor who also does a very nice job."

Modern Monster

'Can I have a new credit card please - this one's full up!'

What do you have in mind? Something for nothing!

Fisherman to friend about to be devoured by shark: 'Bill, are you familiar with the health benefits of shark cartilage?'

"Don't worry, she's still alcohol aware."

"What kind of moviemaking do we want to reinforce?"

"I don't know - none of these cookies offer an engaging brand narrative."

"Oh, I was looking for something with a little more hay."

'Money can't buy everything... that's what credit cards are for!'

"I've always admired you. I find your complete lack of compassion refreshing."

Mothers are Heroes

"The police want to ask you a few questions about where you get such good health insurance at such an affordable rate."

'Could you ask the dentist if it's okay for me to use my own spitton?'

"Daddy just got sick of money for money's sake, so here we are in Washington."

"But I’m so close to my Kickstarter goal!"

Corporate Liposuction, Inc.: 'A leaner, meaner company, or your money back!'

Doctor uses his stethoscope on the patient's wallet.

Cards for All Occasions. Wedding Get-Well Grads Sympathy Congrats Friendship. It's for a friend who's having an operation and it's going to be covered by his HMO. Would that be "Get Well" or "Congratulations"?

'How did I fill all this in for only $75.00? Easy, I only collect corked wines.'

'This can't be right...I went private some time ago.'

'You've only got a few days left to use up your healthcare benefits for the year. I'm going to call to see if I can get you in for a colonoscopy.'

Expensive Vintages.

"Money can buy happiness, right?. . . Hey, just kidding!"

"How little we really own, Tom, when you consider all there is to own?"