Health-conscious Texter Gifts

'I'm taking you off texting for a while.'

'Well, well, well...'

"What do you mean 'sitting is the new smoking'? I thought fat was the new smoking?"

Distance to avoid contagion

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

"I lost 20lbs on my diet. I guess it's time for a relapse."

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'You were right, you are in the placebo group.'

'You've become run down from working too much. Try sneezing on your boss.'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"Gracie, I think you've made your point. We can't completely remove meat from this family's diet...but we will try very hard to cut back, OK?"

New anti-obesity cookbook.

Lemonade 5c Sugar Free: 'It sure is!'

"One slice—hold the bread."

"Sugar, trans fats, and an adorable dead baby lamb. Cash back?"

"Eat lots of carrots."

Hiker Followed By Paramedic

'And also, no cigarettes, no cigars, no alcohol,no sweets,no dairy products, no bacon, no ham...'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

Formally foods that were good for you.

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

'Pistachio ice cream does not cpont as a serving of greens.'

"Thank God!"

"You forgot my Diet Cola."