Health-conscious Texter Gifts

'I'm taking you off texting for a while.'

'Well, well, well...'

"What do you mean 'sitting is the new smoking'? I thought fat was the new smoking?"

Distance to avoid contagion

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

"I lost 20lbs on my diet. I guess it's time for a relapse."

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

'You were right, you are in the placebo group.'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'You've become run down from working too much. Try sneezing on your boss.'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

"One slice—hold the bread."

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"Sugar, trans fats, and an adorable dead baby lamb. Cash back?"

"Gracie, I think you've made your point. We can't completely remove meat from this family's diet...but we will try very hard to cut back, OK?"

New anti-obesity cookbook.

Lemonade 5c Sugar Free: 'It sure is!'

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

"Eat lots of carrots."

Hiker Followed By Paramedic

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

'And also, no cigarettes, no cigars, no alcohol,no sweets,no dairy products, no bacon, no ham...'

"Oh, I listen to my body at meal time, but the messages aren't clear because its mouth is full!"

Formally foods that were good for you.

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

"Thank God!"