Health-conscious Quipper Gifts

'No thanks; can't handle caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, or number six birdshot.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'You were right, you are in the placebo group.'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"One slice—hold the bread."

"My doctor told me to get outdoors more, so now I put on more yard sales."

"Eat lots of carrots."

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."

Formally foods that were good for you.

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

"Thank God!"

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

'Good Cholesterol Vs. Bad Cholesterol'

'Pistachio ice cream does not cpont as a serving of greens.'

"I know you haven't been flossing. Your electronic toothbrush has been tweeting me."

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

'Your weight problem is partly genetic and partly Boston Cream pie.'

Lard Lite - Marketing

' ... and a side order of statins.'