Health-conscious Quipper Gifts

'No thanks; can't handle caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, or number six birdshot.'

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Moo-Magrams Exams

'You were right, you are in the placebo group.'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"My doctor told me to get outdoors more, so now I put on more yard sales."

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"One slice—hold the bread."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

"Eat lots of carrots."

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

'Pistachio ice cream does not cpont as a serving of greens.'

"I know you haven't been flossing. Your electronic toothbrush has been tweeting me."

'Good Cholesterol Vs. Bad Cholesterol'

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

Formally foods that were good for you.

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."

Actually, I hate the taste of fish, but the oil's just so darn good for you.

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

"Thank God!"

'Your weight problem is partly genetic and partly Boston Cream pie.'

Lard Lite - Marketing