Health-conscious Satire Admirer Gifts

'Someday we'll look back at this as the golden age of childhood obesity.'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

How To Make A Pigs Ear Out Of Swine Flu.

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

"Sorry, there's no toilet paper or hand sanitizer down here."

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"One slice—hold the bread."

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

"Eat lots of carrots."

'First of all, I'm taking you off the iron supplements.'

'You can't call it a miracle drug just because you added miracle whip!'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

Formally foods that were good for you.

'Good Cholesterol Vs. Bad Cholesterol'

"I know you haven't been flossing. Your electronic toothbrush has been tweeting me."

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

'Pistachio ice cream does not cpont as a serving of greens.'

Actually, I hate the taste of fish, but the oil's just so darn good for you.

"Thank God!"

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."