Health-conscious Joggers Gifts

'This little gadget monitors my blood pressure, my pulse, and the performance of my very sleek designer running shoes.'

"They met in the express-checkout lane at the A.&P. and have slowed down only occasionally ever since."

'Twenty years ago I began jogging five miles a day - could you tell me where I am?'

"I feel off. I want to feel off and running."

7 brownies worth of exercise.

'I want a refund. They only shuffle.'

Health

'Ok guys, here comes the first of the day...let the fun begin!'

'Are we having fun yet?'

The nutritional devils and angels on your shoulder.

"Let's take it easy for the first two miles."

"It's right about here that my socks fall down."

Exclamation Marks chasing the Question Mark.

"I do my best thinking in the shower... do I need to run 5 miles a day in order to take one?"

"So if I need to stop smoking and lose weight..what are you going to do about it?"

"Sorry sir - our sun screen only goes up to Factor - 100..."

Mom & Dad Recipe Corner

"My Doctor said I needed more exercise so I jogged down to the donut shop."

"But is it Organic?"

Fairy Tales in Pandemic Time

'Here comes the 7:15...'

"Mind if I shoot through?"

'Get rid of those shoes, or I will never jog with you again.'

"He's like a Bill Gates without a Microsoft."

'Jogging is a great exercise for a tit man!'

'I should've stayed the way I was. Now, I have to exercise, watch my cholesterol, and dodge this little pest called Cupid.'

"Now, you may feel a little pressure..."

'When he said he was going to promote staff health and fitness and encourage a little weight loss I thought he'd be giving us gym passes.'

Weight watchers

Sir, do you claim your new vitamin water has negative calories? Weight loss guaranteed. Want some? Just an explanation of how it works. You drink it, you lose weight. Simple. Also, you have to drink it while jogging or exercising vigorously for at least 30 minutes. Does it work for regulators from the Federal Trade Commission? Run away.

'I always need motivation to exercise. Like being chased by the cops.'

"Walking in the hall carrying a file folder makes you look busy. This allows you to get an aerobic workout and nobody is the wiser."

New Normal

Never wear running shoes with a jogging suit.

"It's not your fault, boy – how could you possibly have known he was my parole officer?"