Health-conscious Criminal Pillows

'For my last meal, I'd like something that's not high in trans-fat.'

'Well, well, well...'

Distance to avoid contagion

March Against Big Tech: "Oh, wow, this has bee great for my step count!"

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

"I think globally, but I tend to pollute locally."

"Everything is dandy--and our intestinal biomes are joyous."

"I lost 20lbs on my diet. I guess it's time for a relapse."

'I'm tired of this bread and water diet.'

Running

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

Wash your hands

'Pumpkin pie isn't dessert. It's another vegetable.'

"I didn't ask to be made with seventeen grams of fat."

'My mother's resolution is to eat more vegetables, and my resolution is to help her by giving her mine.'

'Two Aspirins'...'Brain Tumor'

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

"She was really disappointed when she found out she was going to an eye doctor and not an iDoctor."

'I'm not feeling well. I think I've got human flu.'

"Gracie, I think you've made your point. We can't completely remove meat from this family's diet...but we will try very hard to cut back, OK?"

"I just finished a 10-day cleanse. Now it's time to retox."

"Sugar, trans fats, and an adorable dead baby lamb. Cash back?"

'Is it organic?'

Spring.

'I havn't finished last years Marathon yet...'

"Oh, I listen to my body at meal time, but the messages aren't clear because its mouth is full!"

QUICK OIL CHANGE & FLU SHOT

'In that case I'll do nothing!'

"Don't drink and drive. Don't even putt."

"...and lay off the energy drinks..."

"Spring is in the air but it's December in my ABS."

"Scientists have found out that drinking alcohol can be dangerous...well, water can be dangerous, too!"