Health-conscious Criminal Gifts

'For my last meal, I'd like something that's not high in trans-fat.'

'Well, well, well...'

Distance to avoid contagion

March Against Big Tech: "Oh, wow, this has bee great for my step count!"

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

I'm trying to read your test results from urology, but their server can only stream them a little bit at a time.

"I think globally, but I tend to pollute locally."

"Everything is dandy--and our intestinal biomes are joyous."

I have been working so hard I haven't gone to the gym in ages. You've been trying to make ends meet and forgot about the middle!

"I lost 20lbs on my diet. I guess it's time for a relapse."

'I'm tired of this bread and water diet.'

Wash your hands

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

I'm not evolving - I just thought I should lower my salt intake.

Running

'Pumpkin pie isn't dessert. It's another vegetable.'

"I didn't ask to be made with seventeen grams of fat."

'My mother's resolution is to eat more vegetables, and my resolution is to help her by giving her mine.'

'Two Aspirins'...'Brain Tumor'

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

'I'm not feeling well. I think I've got human flu.'

"She was really disappointed when she found out she was going to an eye doctor and not an iDoctor."

"Sugar, trans fats, and an adorable dead baby lamb. Cash back?"

"I just finished a 10-day cleanse. Now it's time to retox."

"Gracie, I think you've made your point. We can't completely remove meat from this family's diet...but we will try very hard to cut back, OK?"

'Is it organic?'

Spring.

"...and lay off the energy drinks..."

"Don't drink and drive. Don't even putt."

"I can't eat these nutrition bars. They're for women."

"Oh, I listen to my body at meal time, but the messages aren't clear because its mouth is full!"

Rule #1. Of what? HYPOCHONDRIACS HANDBOOK. A little passion project I'm working on; or, rather, I would be working on. I can't write or type wearing my protective anti-flu gear. Rule #1: Get some loser to take dictation for you. I hate where this is heading.

'I havn't finished last years Marathon yet...'

"Scientists have found out that drinking alcohol can be dangerous...well, water can be dangerous, too!"

"Spring is in the air but it's December in my ABS."