Health Cautious Individual Pillows

Rule #1. Of what? HYPOCHONDRIACS HANDBOOK. A little passion project I'm working on; or, rather, I would be working on. I can't write or type wearing my protective anti-flu gear. Rule #1: Get some loser to take dictation for you. I hate where this is heading.

"May I see your health records first?"

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

March Against Big Tech: "Oh, wow, this has bee great for my step count!"

I'm trying to read your test results from urology, but their server can only stream them a little bit at a time.

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"Everything is dandy--and our intestinal biomes are joyous."

I have been working so hard I haven't gone to the gym in ages. You've been trying to make ends meet and forgot about the middle!

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

I'm not evolving - I just thought I should lower my salt intake.

Wash your hands

Running

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

'Pumpkin pie isn't dessert. It's another vegetable.'

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

"I didn't ask to be made with seventeen grams of fat."

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

'Our menu is divided into three sections: Cancer causing foods, artery clogging foods, and foods that are being boycotted for political or environmental reasons.'

Flash Cuisine

'My mother's resolution is to eat more vegetables, and my resolution is to help her by giving her mine.'

"She was really disappointed when she found out she was going to an eye doctor and not an iDoctor."

'I'm not feeling well. I think I've got human flu.'

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

'Is it organic?'

Spring.

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

"Scientists have found out that drinking alcohol can be dangerous...well, water can be dangerous, too!"

"I can't eat these nutrition bars. They're for women."

"...and lay off the energy drinks..."

"Spring is in the air but it's December in my ABS."

'In that case I'll do nothing!'