Health Conscious Ponderer Pillows

"Either you give up all that unhealthy stuff and live another 30 years or you go on as before, have a blast for about 10 or 11 years and then die happy, satisfied and drunken."

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

March Against Big Tech: "Oh, wow, this has bee great for my step count!"

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

I'm trying to read your test results from urology, but their server can only stream them a little bit at a time.

I have been working so hard I haven't gone to the gym in ages. You've been trying to make ends meet and forgot about the middle!

"Everything is dandy--and our intestinal biomes are joyous."

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

Running

Wash your hands

I'm not evolving - I just thought I should lower my salt intake.

'Pumpkin pie isn't dessert. It's another vegetable.'

Your problems are all in your head, Al. This time you're wrong, doctor. I happen to be lying on my keys. The problem is not in my head. It's in my left buttock.

"I didn't ask to be made with seventeen grams of fat."

'My mother's resolution is to eat more vegetables, and my resolution is to help her by giving her mine.'

"She was really disappointed when she found out she was going to an eye doctor and not an iDoctor."

'I'm not feeling well. I think I've got human flu.'

Lactose intolerance.

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

'Is it organic?'

"We just made a big cancer breakthrough. Have a cigar."

Spring.

"Scientists have found out that drinking alcohol can be dangerous...well, water can be dangerous, too!"

Rule #1. Of what? HYPOCHONDRIACS HANDBOOK. A little passion project I'm working on; or, rather, I would be working on. I can't write or type wearing my protective anti-flu gear. Rule #1: Get some loser to take dictation for you. I hate where this is heading.

'I havn't finished last years Marathon yet...'

'In that case I'll do nothing!'

"...and lay off the energy drinks..."

"I can't eat these nutrition bars. They're for women."

"Spring is in the air but it's December in my ABS."

'My prescription: digital textbooks.'

'The medical reimbursement system is sick and there is no race for the cure.'

"So if I need to stop smoking and lose weight..what are you going to do about it?"

"Sorry sir - our sun screen only goes up to Factor - 100..."

'Test results are back. Coffee, donuts, sleep deprivation. Doc, you've got to start taking better care of yourself.'

"Cautious and considerate? Door on the left, one mask each. Selfish and ignorant? Door on the right, do as you please."