Health Conscious Observer Pillows

Fat kids in football T-shirts, Rooney and Ronaldo. Man says: 'It's good for kids to have sport role models.'

'There, but for liposuction, go I.'

March Against Big Tech: "Oh, wow, this has bee great for my step count!"

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

I'm trying to read your test results from urology, but their server can only stream them a little bit at a time.

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

I have been working so hard I haven't gone to the gym in ages. You've been trying to make ends meet and forgot about the middle!

"Everything is dandy--and our intestinal biomes are joyous."

'Long shift?'

'You can tell your grandkids, you rode the most expensive vehicle on Earth!'

I'm not evolving - I just thought I should lower my salt intake.

"I don't know how to tell you this, but it looks like you have a brain the size of a walnut."

Wash your hands

Running

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

'Pumpkin pie isn't dessert. It's another vegetable.'

Deep in the Heart of Texas: The Cholesterol Kid.

"I didn't ask to be made with seventeen grams of fat."

Highway of Life. Bump. Bump. Bump. Bump. Bump.

'My mother's resolution is to eat more vegetables, and my resolution is to help her by giving her mine.'

'I'm not feeling well. I think I've got human flu.'

"She was really disappointed when she found out she was going to an eye doctor and not an iDoctor."

Lactose intolerance.

'Is it organic?'

Spring.

"Well, I'll be - he cut and ran."

'In that case I'll do nothing!'

"Spring is in the air but it's December in my ABS."

'I havn't finished last years Marathon yet...'

"...and lay off the energy drinks..."

"I can't eat these nutrition bars. They're for women."

"Scientists have found out that drinking alcohol can be dangerous...well, water can be dangerous, too!"

Rule #1. Of what? HYPOCHONDRIACS HANDBOOK. A little passion project I'm working on; or, rather, I would be working on. I can't write or type wearing my protective anti-flu gear. Rule #1: Get some loser to take dictation for you. I hate where this is heading.

"I wonder where they nest..."

"I'm writing to mother to let her know how you're doing.Is deathbed one word or two?"