Health Benefit Skeptic Gifts

"Our dental plan is fluoridation of the water cooler."

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

"Get another opinion if you wish, Mr. Von Flip...But I'm confident it will still come up ' heads - we operate.'"

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

"They say that 'laughter is the best medicine', which is great because your health plan doesn't cover the real stuff!"

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

The Public Option

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

'Health Benefits of a Vegan Diet... How the heck did this get here?'

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

"Today we insure every American and end the need for private health insurance."

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

"It turns out our health plan does cover eyeglasses."

'Our policy is quite plain. We don't pay out on claims we can't pronounce.'

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'

"Are you sure you don't want to try just one miracle drug before you die?"

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

"This is a third-year medical student. To cut costs, your insurance company dismissed the surgeon."

'Sorry, our HMO doesn't approve treatments of 'owies'.'

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

"Your insurance company decided the heart surgery isn't necessary, but they said they'd approve breast augmentation."

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

'Your employer's health plan automatically cancels your coverage once you get sick.'

"Well the good news is that according to your insurance there is nothing wrong with you."