Head Of Production Gifts

'The head of our script department!'

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

Herman Mankiewicz

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

Film Festival. Events. Screenings. Ernie attends these festivals in costume. He's gone over to the dork side!

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

'Being a superhero doesn't mean that everything about me is super you know!'

Buster Keaton

This side is the gag reel.

New music conference

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

Jimmy Cagney.

"I'm torn, Randy. I don't know what to think." "About what, little buddy?" "Star Trek. The last movie got rave reviews. Critics and audiences loved it. Therefore, I loved it too. But it didn't come anywhere close to earning $1 billion at the box office. And these days, any movie that doesn't earn $1 billion is a complete failure. Therefore, I must hate it. I'm in limbo until the hive mind comes to a consensus." "Except for honey, nothing good ever comes from hives."

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

Personnel. Any experience in crisis management? No...Just production.

Film Star Robert de Niro

"Sorry - He's changed His mind again. Stripes on the zebra, spots on the giraffe, no stars on the lion and make the elephant bigger and the amoebae smaller."

"No. I don't want to see an all-male production of 'Little Women.' "

Broadway Theater coming productions. Look, they're bringing back a production of "Hair" with all the original cast members. It's going to be called "Bald".

Blockbuster Billion Club

Wizard of Oz - repeat fees

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

"You know what I think, babe? Seven on the Richter scale."

Computer wheeled down red carpet at film premiere. TV presenter says: 'Now, at last, here comes the real star of the movie!'

"Jessica has an idea about going to the beach that she'd like to pitch you."

'We don't know what the final result will look like, but the movie rights have already been optioned.'

'OK, one more time. The first 'Star Wars' movie was 'Star Wars: IV'.'Star Wars:V' was the second movie...'

Skyscraper Chef's Hat.

"We started losing money right around the time we decided to just lazily remake old movies with the race or gender of the main character switched from the original." "We're burning through cash and we urgently need to course correct and try something different." "So we're going to make fresh stories with new and interesting characters?" "What?" "No."

"Ronny, there's not going to be any 3-D. The studio wants you to shoot it on your cell phone."

Woody Allen

'Ok, this sty is great and all, but can we get some huge explosions? Wilbur, could you say 'it's about to get real'?'