Head Of Procurement Gifts

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

No, I didn't know they were going to cut the office furniture budget in half.

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

Supply Chain

"This is what happens when you award the contract to the cheapest tender...."

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

"Procurement and their stakeholder journey down the procurement pathway... Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

How Many It Takes

"UK government aren’t budging boss. Sole supplier or not under the new procurement regulations our new contract has to have three KPIs..."

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

'In conclusion; our major contract expires tomorrow, we have no idea what we want, and no knowledge of the market, It is time to pass this across to the Procurement Team...'

"Aren't you the old guy in purchasing whose decades of slavish devotion inspired us to replace you with a small army of sycophants?"

'He works in Acquisitions.'

"Well that answers the question 'Does the CEO understand what we do?'!"

Biblical Procurement Tales: Project Ark.

Every Friday lunchtime procurement managers would gather to boast of the size of bid documents they had received that week.

Karen was delighted that both her large and small suppliers had turned up for her industry day

'In conclusion, the supplier who can repeat this phrase fastest with least mistakes wins the catering contract...'

"So we are four days into the new Procurement Act. How are you feeling?"/"I am ok and everything seems to be fine, but I miss the anticipation."

"I have been inputting garbage into my systems for 12 months, why is this spend analysis GARBAGE?!"

'This service has been brought back in house and outsourced numerous times, I propose that as the contract is up for renewal again we consider 'shaking it all about''

Purchasing and Sales

'To enable them to provide the service we require the procurement team have submitted a request for seven wands, a crystal ball and a time machine...'

"Would you mind if I saw him first "

"His only acquisitions so far seem to have been a Ferrari and a villa a Marbella."

Chief Buyer - I'm busy dump your card with the others

e-procurement

'Our largest contract is in a mess, the suppliers are failing to deliver, and we have no idea what we are doing. The procurement team sent us their best guy to help sort it out...'

Public Procurement Portal

'This service has been brought back in house and outsourced numerous times. I propose that as the contract is up for renewal again we consider 'shaking it all about''

"I'm in a purchasing mood, but I don't know if I feel like goods or services."

"Does he respond better to a confident approach or a groveling approach?"

"That isn't MY definition of contract segmentation..."

"I downloaded this public sector tender we should consider bidding for. I’m hoping that these new Procurement Regulations will make it a less tortuous exercise." "Based on that first page I suggest nothing has changed..."

Supply chain issues result in unfinished cartoon.